Afraid to be ourselves – Part 3: Splitting ourselves

In Part 2 of this series, we summarised the idea of ‘being ourselves’ as the ability of our inner life to flow freely into the external world.

Of course, it’s not always possible to say what we really think or to act like we really want or feel. We are constantly modifying what we say, how we act, and the emotions we express based on who we’re with at the time and our current circumstances. Sometimes we must suppress our inner lives so completely that we become as two different people: the one only we can see, and the one everyone else sees—like an actor changing masks to suit the expectations of the audience.

In this article we’re going to look at what happens when our inner life is unable to manifest itself freely in the external world, and our self gets split. Understanding this key dynamic in how we, as human beings, adapt ourselves to the world we inhabit—especially when it is at odds with our thoughts & beliefs, feelings & values, motivations & goals—will tell us a lot about how the world works, and particularly about our own place within it.

When freedom to be ourselves gets restricted

Our own beliefs, values and goals only get to play a role in the future of the human race if we are somehow able to manifest our own inner life in the external world—by turning them into words and actions that bring about change.

If someone or something acts in way that restricts our freedom to speak or act (for whatever reason, whether that reason is valid or not), there remains a part of ‘who we truly are’ that gets kept out of the external world, unable to influence or change it in any way. That part of us remains hidden inside of us. Consequently, our Inner Identity (the hidden self only we see) diverges from our Manifest Identity (the self that others see).

The greater the difference between our Inner Self and our Manifest Self, the greater the mental and emotional mismatch we experience—because rather than our words and actions flowing outwards as a natural manifestation of our hidden inner life, we must constantly translate our inner life into something that is compatible with the external world.

Living in a ‘foreign’ land

Translating our inner life into something compatible with the external world is like living in a foreign land where nobody speaks our language. What do we do? Do we keep to ourselves instead, living inside our own bubble of certainty? Do we seek out others more like us, creating our own bubble together, as expats often do? Or do we make extra effort trying to communicate in someone else’s ‘native’ language that they never even have to think about—it just flows out naturally from their inner self—whilst we’ve had to learn it the hard way?

Any signs and communications we encounter within that foreign land, any services or facilities we attempt to use, any events and opportunities we come across, will inevitably assume that we too will be a native speaker, with equal access to whatever is on offer. And why wouldn’t they? Are they expected to cater to every language in the world (or just a select few, perhaps)? Would they even have the capacity to do so?

Not really belonging

So not only will we (the non-native speaker) find ourselves at a disadvantage compared to native speakers (because of the extra time and effort involved in us translating), but we will also be constantly reminded in every interaction we have that we do not really belong. Sure, the ‘natives’ may try to make us feel welcome—but won’t this only serve to remind us how different we are? Won’t we still feel like outsiders, never really a part of what’s going on, always feeling as though we have to make extra effort to demonstrate our worth?

This is frequently the experience of anyone who tries to live in a foreign country. And it’s not always even the ‘language barrier’. It’s often the customs and expected behaviour too, which may conflict with our own ‘imported’ attitudes and automatic behaviour. Assuming we cannot get an entire country to learn our language and adopt our customs and our expected behaviour, this mismatch between ‘outsider’ and environment will remain—unless we the ‘outsider’ choose and have the capacity to adapt ourselves to an environment built around others. To put it colloquially, we would need to ‘go native’.

As language students are frequently reminded, they need to reach the stage where they are no longer thinking in their own language then having to translate. Instead, students are told, they need to be thinking in the language of the country they are living in, so that it flows out naturally in their speech. In other words, their inner life and the external world must match one another.

The key to being ourselves

This need for our inner life to match the external world is the key to “being ourselves”. Language is simply one such manifestation, but it is just as true for any aspect of our inner self that finds itself at odds with the world outside ourselves—including our thoughts & beliefs, feelings & values, motivations & goals. And it is true whether this mismatch is the result of our own limitations, or the constraints imposed on us by others.

Recognising a mismatch in ourselves

Mismatches, then, tell us a lot about ourselves and our own place in the world.

They tell us that something needs to change in order resolve our personal mismatch. So, do we try to change the external world (get everyone else to learn our language), or do we update our inner life (‘go native’)? That’s a question we’ll be returning to in our next article. But before we can go there, we first need to know how to recognise if there is a mismatch between our own inner life and the external world.

The Tiger Test

Imagine we come across a notice that reads “Do not enter”. Through the fencing we see a tiger. Even though the sign (and, by inference, whoever put it there) is restricting our freedom of movement, we are unlikely to feel negative towards the constraint. Chances are we may even feel positive towards having our freedom of movement restricted under these circumstances. In which case, our own inner life—here, our goal to stay in one piece—matches the external world.

Now imagine we encounter the same sign and fencing. But this time it has been put up around our own home without our consent, keeping us from reaching our ‘sanctuary’ and the place where we keep our personal belongings. Now the external world no longer aligns with our inner life. We want to go home, but something (and someone, i.e. whoever erected the fencing and sign) is stopping us from doing so. As a consequence, our hidden inner life (goal: go home; motivation: tired and hungry) is no longer able to manifest itself in the external world.

As we compare these two different scenarios—with the same sign and the same restriction of movement—consider what feelings the two scenarios evoke and how our reactions might differ. In the first, our feelings are likely to be neutral towards the constraint; they may even be positive, because the external world aligns with our own inner life. In other words, there is no mismatch. But in the second scenario, what do we feel? Shock at finding our way barred? Anger? Frustration? Confusion? Something else?

Using emotions as a ‘match-o-meter’

Emotions, then, serve as useful indicators, signalling to us that there is a mismatch between the external world and our own thoughts & beliefs, feelings & values, motivations & goals. As we get better at noticing and identifying these indicators within ourselves, we realise they can help us recognise not only the presence of a mismatch, but also the nature of the mismatch:

Revealing ourselves

Identifying the presence and nature of a mismatch can therefore tell us more about:

1. Who we are – in relation to the external world, including others.
2. What we stand for – our ‘red line’ for how far we’ll allow the external world to change us.

This in turn tells us the type of changes we ideally want to see manifest in the external world. Whether or not we are personally able to make those changes happen depends on our own capacity, resources and opportunity.

Recognising a mismatch in others

If it’s possible to use our own emotions to identify the presence and nature of a mismatch within ourselves, what about the emotions of others? Can they tell us anything about their inner life?

Here things are not so straightforward:

1. If someone’s inner life is fully aligned with the external world (e.g. they want the same things, they share the same values), there will be no mismatch. In practice, nobody’s inner life matches the external world 100% of the time, so we would need to look for any deviation from their normal temperament to find clues to a mismatch. (This is a principle that body language experts typically use to identify stress, deceit or hidden emotions.)
2. If someone’s inner life does not match the external world, they are more likely to be ‘translating’ (see above). If they do not believe they can ‘be themselves’ in your presence, for example, what you’ll see is a mask they have chosen for you. It’s what they want you to see, or perhaps that they think you want to see.

Leaking emotions

Constantly translating takes energy—and sometimes that energy gets depleted. It’s like having to press our finger over a hole in a pipe to stop water gushing out. Once the pressure builds enough, or we succumb to fatigue, or a more important goal takes over, something’s going to start leaking. Which is why when any of us are tired, ill, or under a lot of stress, our inner life is more likely to ‘leak out’ because we no longer possess the energy to continue translating (i.e. hold ‘ourselves’ in check so as to meet the expectations of others).

Summary

In this article we introduced the concepts of:

1. Our Inner Self – the ‘us’ only we get to see. This is the person we believe ourselves to be; that we consider to be constant—wherever we are, whomever we’re with.
2. Our Manifest Self – the part of our inner life that flows into the external world, able to influence or change it in some way.
3. Translating – is how we modify our manifest self in some way to meet the expectations of others. Some of our Inner Self inevitably gets lost in translation.
4. Mismatch – is when our Inner Self (thoughts & beliefs; feelings & values; motivations & goals) do not align with the external world. It normally results in the production of emotions other than happiness.
5. Match-o-meter – using our emotions to recognise and identify the presence and nature of a mismatch within ourselves (and potentially others).

We saw that it is easier to recognise a mismatch within ourselves than it is to identify a mismatch in another person because they could be translating—especially if they see us as a constraint upon the manifestation of their own inner life. (How good are we at letting others be themselves?)

We also saw how constantly needing to translate can be exhausting, so when someone’s energy proves insufficient to maintain the translation (e.g. when they are tired, sick, under stress), we will often see an unexpected burst of emotions that may help us identify the presence and type of mismatch.

Using ‘The Tiger Test’ we touched on how the same set of conditions in the external world can be perceived differently depending on whether or not they align with an individual’s inner life.

This leads us to one final observation before we finish:

How we go about resolving such mismatches is the basis for all human relationships. It also serves as the foundation for how society works. So how we resolve a mismatch is what we’ll be looking at next, in Part 4: Resolving the mismatch.